Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mental weakness

Its almost twelve years since I was diagnosed with kidney disease. As the neurologist pointed out the other day, for more than a third of my life, this disease has been the central aspect of my life. A chronic condition like this can take quite a big mental toll.

I find that my ability to weather the normal, not related to kidney disease, ups and downs of life has reduced significantly. A small incident here, a minor problem there and I find myself getting all worked up and disturbed. Its like a small pebble thrown in a lake causing huge waves. Totally out of proportion.

Its not as if I get frustrated about my condition. I have (for the most part) made peace with my kidney disease. I have accepted it as part of my life. But along with this, to bear other mundane problems of regular life becomes too much for me to handle. I get totally flustered and scared.

I really don't know how to handle these problems. They are not within my control. They are caused by external circumstances and people. I only have to react to them. That's where I fail. At work, at home, everyday, these small little things happen, beyond my control, but spoil my peaceful existence. Disturb the balance in my mind.

I can handle my kidney disease well. I cannot handle things beyond that.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I think as we get older in life- we just become a lot more sensitive. As I kid I could go onto any roller coaster...without a second thought. Now a days, my heart is in my mouth as I watch little kids go up- not daring to venture there myself!
And mind you, I was a kid just a decade ago!

It's not mental weakness...it's growing up and analyzing things from multiple perspectives.