No, I am not saying we turn crazy! Its a more subtle impact. I have noticed this in myself and others a as well. I have changed a lot mentally. I used to be a very confident guy when I was in Engineering College. I am no longer that sure of myself. I am constantly looking for approval, for appreciation. I am filled with self-doubt.
All around me, I see people continuously projecting themselves, showing off their capabilities. I am not even sure of my own capabilities to show them off. In today's cut-throat world, this doesn't work. Being good is simply not enough. You need to let the world know that you're good and if possible, try to get them to think that you are better than you actually are!
When I think harder, I am not sure if it is dialysis in general or dialysis in my circumstances. When I was diagnosed, I was only 21 years old. When you get diagnosed at such a young age, your mind does tend to develop differently. So, is it young people diagnosed with kidney disease who have this problem? When I talk to adults on dialysis, this is not the case. For example, people who have got married, had kids, settled down in life, were working for years - basically had what you would call a 'normal life' and were recently put on dialysis. They don't seem to have the mental issues I have.
It is probably this, then - having what the world sees as 'normal' being taken away from you for no fault of yours. This probably causes the mental impact that I am referring to.
I do sound depressed, right? I am not depressed really. Its just that this whole mental thing comes back to hit me time and again. One small sentence uttered by someone is enough to make me feel like shit for days. I go into this vortex of negative emotions where - you will not believe it - I continuously convince myself that I need to give up and withdraw from dialysis! I feel that I cannot take it any more. I feel that I have had enough. And how did it all start? One small, probably unconsidered sentence from someone.
I really am not sure how to change this. I know I make a difference to at least a few people. I know at least some people love me. But this small trigger is enough for me to disregard all that and just start thinking my life is worthless. I start thinking of all the things I do not have. I start looking at people around me living 'normal lives' and feel bad. In these circumstances, even watching someone do something as harmless as gulping down a glass of water will set off a negative reaction in me, "Look at him gulp down that chilled water! I can't even do that!"
Is there a solution to this? I have no clue! I can't change people and what they think or say. I have to find a way to change the way I think. Not sure how, though...