Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Had I been given some more time to live my life fully

I was diagnosed with kidney disease at the age of 22. Yes, too young. Sometimes I wish I had some time before lightning struck and changed life as I knew it. I wish I would have known a few years before this was to happen. I would have at least done a few things I cannot now do. Well, its not as if I cannot do these things. But its a whole lot more complicated and difficult. Almost impossible.

The main thing I would have done was travel. I would have made a trip to Switzerland and seen the Alps. I would have stayed for a few days at one of those secluded houses which I heard about from my mother and brother who have been there; in the middle of nowhere, with no human being in sight for miles. Where it would be so cold that you didn't feel like getting out of your bed from under the rug in the morning except to the smell of chocolate.

I would have travelled to the US and done a cruise. I have always wanted to do this. Staying on a luxurious ship and just enjoying myself the whole day. If I was not in the swimming pool on the deck, I would be luxuriating in the jacuzzi or sampling the exotic food that was on offer. I would love to jump into the ocean or curl up in my bed looking at the ocean from inside amazed at the humungous volume of water that was all around me.

I would also have planned to spend a few weeks with some sages to try and learn the secrets of peace - something I would really need in the days to come. I would spend a lot more time on religion. I would try to understand the scriptures and learn the languages in which they were written. They would provide me the strength to face the tribulations ahead.

Oh, how I wish I had known in advance. It all happened too soon. My life was snatched from me in one fell swoop. I had no time to prepare. This wasn't fair at all.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

awww kamal, don't make me cry. I pray that u get a chance to do all these in the not-so-far future.

Vinay

Anonymous said...

I really do wish that you do still get all that you wish for.

Saimanohar said...

U r the most strongest person mentally.. Pls try to engage urself in some or the other activity to divert your thoughts related to those.. for ppl like us, there's not much we can do .. I cant play cricket now, but what can I do, I cant mirchi bajjis, I cant have sodas . .. in my case I was diagnosed with it at the age of 20. Rather than empathising with you, i take you as my inspiration.

Kamal D Shah said...

Thanks Sam, I understand what you're saying. But I guess we all go through these phases of depression. Its only a phase and not a permanent state of mind. Thanks for your comment!

Kamal

B said...

What can I say ? As you said...it is all those emotions one goes through. And such emotions are 100.00% unique to each and everyone. There is no common denominator of what life should be for us to compare to. There are people who seem to have everything in the world ...and there are people who do not even know what tomorrow holds for them (and hence do not even dare to dream). So, we are told to rationalize that we are blessed and not to complain. But its all perspective, personal and intensely unique to our own mind. When I see mothers of children with kidney disease come on the board...I cry out for pain as to why they had to get affected so early...and that atleast we have the ability to 'understand' what is happening. But then, the same goes for the other side itself. It does not seem to be fair..but its logical. The fact that we are born with this body carries the risks that play out.

There are many of us who "knew" that the time will come...yet do not necessarily do all the things that we want to do. That is firstly because there is no such thing as a 'finite' list of things and also because we are still 'lost'. We live moments the way we live them....but then judge them afterwards as to how we should have lived them. It is this sense of regret later that is the biggest bane as that will remain irrespective of how high we might think we lived. This is the reason I did not comment on your post about "healthy people...do not ignore"....because it is all relative.

B said...

So, what is the moral of the story? For this and the earlier post about advice to healthy people ? "DON't PROCRASTINATE". Do not keep it for tomorrow what you WANT AND CAN do. If one of the two criteria does not fit....its time has not come...and irrespective of what happens...do not regret afterwards.

B said...

This blogpost is a very important one...and hence my repeated visits to this topic.

I wrote a long comment about life being fair...but I erased that text as there is nothing one can say about it. Nothing is fair...and everything is fair.

Another key thing is that the maturity and reflection that one has "after" being crippled is different from what it would be before or for that matter even in anticipation. So, the thought of going to sages and stuff...would probably not have occured even if one knew what was in store (atleast for most of us)....

Jaya said...

:((( I feel the same way !